We had a good time but Sara did not really want to stand with me because I insisted on wearing some tiny Cindy Lou Who ponies on the top of my head. I mean what the hell if you can't wear ponies to a freaking "Panic at The Disco" concert when can you ? I held my ground and wore them and since the place was maybe 1/4 full they could stand on the floor @ the stage and I could sit in the 2nd row next to them.
When I was a kid, you went shopping for clothing twice a year, plus you'd get clothing on almost every holiday. I used to get so pissed . At 13 I was really hoping for a cool Jordache bean shaped purse that was all of the rage at the time. I don't remember what they cost but I didn't have enough, so I was hoping for the purse or cash so I could get it myself. No I got a dreaded hat mitten or glove and hat set. EEk. The ones that came in the box with the celophane windows so you could get a immediate peek at your knit and faux leather "Zayres" winter set. I ended up shoplifting one. We got caught Oh my God but that's another story.
You got practical gifts. sweaters, socks, bathrobes,batteries. Then you got your biggies. the ones your were hoping for, we usually made list, our wish list. I might do that this year. Then we can pick something special and appreciated. I hate when I am just getting shit to get it. So I have something to reciprocate with. Better yet all my gifts this year will be made by my own two little hands. Well i amy have some help but still not made in a far away land. O.K I'm adding that I can purchase something really special if it is hand made. Craft fairs here i come, I might just cruise them for ideas.
.......Remember when you had to earn your money, and you saved it up for something you really wanted and you couldn't wait until your birthday to get it.
I thought a lot about this over the last few years. I know parents whose children will never know how special it is when you save your pennies and nickles, birthday money, etc and buy your own "special thing"
These children want. They want everything that they see in the endless parade of commercials that break into the marathon sessions of television watching. They want everything their peers have, everything they see in a mall or magazine. They don't want just toys either, it's video games, dvd's, MP3 players, laptops, cell phones, clothing, it's crazy. They have everything. Everything. They walk on it literally. The floors are littered with toys, costumes, piggy banks, train sets, GI Joes or something like him, dolls, the dolls clothes, the doll stroller, changing table, the dolls kitchen, it's crazy they litter the floor, I can hardly blame the kids , gigantic rooms overflow, stacking bins, book cases, chests, closets can't contain the vast amount of "stuff" there is.
A trip to any where that has any merchandise is a mandatory gift getting trip. Some parents buy something for their kids nearly everytime they leave and return, not from a trip mind you, I mean they ran to the grocery store for milk and come back with action figures, stickers, cheesy plastic toy guns or some crap. If the kid goes with them they tell the parent what they want and they get it. It's used and then the next gift negates the first.
I love the ocean, I love minitures , I was always in lice with "The Littles" as akid, they were little people with tails that lived in your walls, and were responsible for the things you just couldn't find. Hmmm "Where is that spool of thread and my wooden match box? y'know. Anyhoo makbe miniture oceans, beaches, something like that. How about cure CF drawn into the sand on a miniture beach, maybe the ocean would be lapping at it, erasing it. Has that been done somewhere?
I see I went totally off of my original point some six million words ago. I want to start one of those "Things I want to do" lists I've seen on some other blogs. My head is always full of things I want to do and I do write them down but in misc notebooks, on corners of mail, on index cards, in journals, on calenders, covers of binders, schedulers. My house is full of my lists. My precious epiphanys. My river of thoughts and ideas and feelings that are constantly flowing through my mind. Sometimes it is quiet and comforting as a trickiling stream, and then sometimes it is a raging, roaring river filled with, rapids, head splitters, those crazy suck holes that crazy kyakers get caught in and nearly or maybe they do, they drown in them upside down, yikes no thanks. More and more my minds river has been somewhere in between, flowing quickly enough to be challenging but it is also still enough to be beautiful. I'm happy here. I'll enjoy it while I can.
I just looked back and my post was bout 4 or 5 different things so I chopped it up and posted it that way. I felt like it was very random'ish.
Leaf blowers ! I read my friends blog and I went insane, she mentioned leaf blowers!
Hey those suckers produce higher decibels than a construction site. I hate them, they were trying to ban them in Wakefield or Lynnfield. Disturbing the peace!
But then all of the local landscaping companies wouldn't be able to scam the IRS, exploit the illegals and provide excessive noise and air pollution. Not to mention trying to navigate around the enormous trucks and trailers blocking the road, very dangerous. The delicious mold, mildew, pollen, animal waste etc that is ground up and blown up into the air, your air! Agggggg!
Also neighbors would have to actually come out of their houses, for more then running to the car. They might even smile, wave at each other. Get some exercise raking leaves, fresh air, interacting with your kids, jumping in piles, teaching about composting, the circle of life and all. The wonderful smell of burning leaves wafting through the air.
I SAY BAN THE LANDSCAPERS!!!!!!!!
Hire the kids in the neighborhood, I made all my dough shoveling in the winter, raking leaves in the fall, cutting grass in the summer, clean ups in the spring! Remember when you had to earn your money, and you saved it up for something you really wanted and you couldn't wait until your birthday to get it.
Wednesday is going to be a very special night. Sara Lou turns 13 in Nov. I am taking Sara and her best friend Amanda to see "Panic @ the Disco" in concert. It is a very cool band in the teen world, I guess. I have been force fed their music for the last 6 months, I actually like it. So I too am really looking forward to enjoying the whole experience. I'm so excited to be making this kind of memory with Sara. Do you know what I mean? Her first concert, and a cool group too. She'll always look back on this, it will be one of those scattered events in your life that stick out. It's a good time in our lives right now.
We're moving, starting over, making so many healthy changes, Shawn's going to finally get better, we'll have our peace back. I am very grateful. I feel like we are walking into the light.
So here's to feeling good, making memories, and living life!
First thing this morning I had an appt w/ my therapist, she's great. I respect and value her opinion. I have been feeling a little off balance, not terribly bad but just labile. I wanted to make sure that it was o.k. that I was o.k. that it was o.k. for me to be having a hard time . I'm good in general, I feel good, positive. But I keep getting the overwhelming feeling of being drunk, like things are not real, or they are in slow motion or something. Just for a few minutes at a time but it's a really strange and unsettling feeling. I just wanted to be sure it was o.k. , I'm not losing my mind or anything. Do people know when they are losing there minds, when they are going crazy. Is it possible to walk on a line and slip into it a bit, but then"snap out of it" or "pull yourself together".
Any hoo, she thinks I'm fine, that it's o.k. for me to be a bit flaky, to have mini-melt downs. She describes a pressure cooker that lets off small bursts of steam , it won't boilover if the heat is turned down.
So I am working on turning down the heat. I feel so wonderful to be able to have the opportunity to start new. This new place, Shawn's new lungs soon, the ocean we will have our lives back, but this time we won't have all the baggage we've been dragging around for so long.
The last couple of days Shawn has been on an upswing. Fri and Sat Shawn invites me up for a sleep over. Conjugal visits. Shawn's feeling good, his O2 sats are good, he looks better. We just came back from a ride on the bike, it was awesome. I'm so glad we have had this nice weekend. I love being with him on his bike. I feel good on it. I feel young and sexy, I feel carefree.
So right now it is a beautiful day, the leaves are changing, the sun is out, and I'm in love and at peace. right now
I'm climbing out of the quicksand and someone throws me a boulder.
I don't understand. Is there a lesson that I am supposed to be learning that I'm not getting? What is so special about me that I need to be challenged constantly?
On Thur my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure of the primary site. He had a lump on his neck/shoulder, had it looked at, a large mass in his right upper lobe was found on x-ray. After having a PET scan the thoracic surgeon apparently told him there was cancer throughout his body. Not a lot of options. He has decided to seek treatment at "The Cancer Treatment Centers of America" in Chicago. He's 67 and healthy as a horse, Ha! Seriously he runs 3 miles with a 50lb pack on, is in Karate, rollerblades, bike rides a min of 5 miles per day. He is a certified forest firefighter with the National Park Service. I don't get it.
I don't get it. Maybe that's just it. Maybe there is no "getting it". Maybe there is no rhyme or reason to life. Maybe you should just live because it's all you really have.
On a side note....Thankfully God threw me a bone with getting the perfect place on Wed. My spirits were lifted. Oh man.
I'm thankful for so many things though. My life is good. I have a supportive family. The most wonderful husband and daughter, a great little pooch. A gorgeous new place to move into, we'll see the sunrise every morning from our bed, a great little jeep. I have very few things to move, just our personal items. No furniture!
I'm going to be moving closer to someone very special to me.
I love this song. Don Henley. If you don't know this song I think you're missing something special. As soon as I hear the opening, the seagulls, sounds of the ocean, I am immediately transported to a good place in my life. I think of standing in front of my house in Winthrop with the air whipping my hair around my face, getting in my eyes, the sounds of cars coming and going, the roar of the airplanes in the sky above me, and the steady lapping on the beach. Rising and falling waves. I hear the sound of a motor, accelerating, moaning around the bend, the music wafting out, not any motor, his motor, his truck. I would feel my heart swell in my chest, a flutter in my stomach, a hitching of my breath, a smile on my lips. I'd think ...He's coming. He's coming home to me.
Oh Man, We got it ! We got the most amazingly perfect apartment. !!!!!!! I am so excited, I'm so thankful, grateful. My Babe got the call and when he called me ( from his digs up the street), He tortured me a bit first. Just for a second.. but he is so fresh. He says in a real somber tone "Babe, are you sitting, sit down for a minute, I got a call......." so the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my heart somehow becomes lodged in my throat and I squeak out "What happened ?" dramatic pause "Jennifer called...and...we...um...we....ah....WE GOT IT!" Then of course lots of shrieks and howls and laughter from all of us. Joyful noises. The Good Book says "Make a joyful noise.." well believe you me you could hear our joyful noises from both ends of the neighborhood!
Oh my God, tonight we went to see what I really believe is going to be our new place. It is gorgeous! Everything I dreamed of, everything on our "list", it is perfect. Phenomenal location, directly across the street from my beloved ocean, "very" nice neighborhood/community, garage, beautiful craftsmanship, second and third floor, two bedrooms, all hardwood floors, state of the art washer and dryer ON THE SECOND FLOOR, closets, heated with gas, radiators ( no dusty hot air), woo hoo gorgeous kitchen, small deck off of kitchen (plenty of space for herb garden) large deck off of front with literally million dollar views, built in's everywhere. The apartment/addition was designed by a local architect for the homeowner herself to live in, believe you me she spared no expense and you can see how much she loved her home. It is a warm loving space. Everything is new but she had the character of the main house infused in the addition, so it has all of the architectural details that I love. There is a gorgeous view of the ocean from every window except the bathroom.
Sooooo....we'll soon know for sure.
We have decided to sell our truck. We discussed it, either the motorcycle or the truck. He loves the bike, I knew he'd choose the bike, hee hee hee. I am buying (cash, very short money) what I lovingly refer to as a hoopty. It is a jeep, just a jeep. A Sahara, hard top, soft top, bikini top that was rebuilt by my brother-in-law, it is a standard, has 4-wheel drive, and I love it!
So there frees up almost $5,500. per yr in the payments and another $1,400. in insurance!!!!!!
Almost $7,000 per year in one fell swoop, that doesn't even include the $75 per week in gas, and upkeep, tires etc. So...better than $10,000. per year Oh hell yeah!
I'm on a roll !
P.S. Shawn is hanging in there. Fighting to stay positive, he has a very tough time with change.
Well since I've received some positive reinforcement re: a "me" post, here goes nothing.
I'm tired. My mind is trying to drag me in a million different directions and I'm fighting it. We're broke, but I don't care. I'm not even broke by some standards, I'm filthy rich to someone, I'm sure. So it's all perspective right? Half empty, half full. I'm half full. Half full and that is just fine with me. I'm making some big decisions here, I'm making them because someone I love very much is incapable of letting go. Letting go of "stuff". I'm not a stuff person. Never have been. If I have clean clothes, food in my belly, a book or two, some classical music, maybe a plant, a shitbox to get from point A to point B, somewhere clean to lay my head at night I'm set. Everything else is free right? My husband, my daughter, the air we breathe, the pure beauty that nature is, the sounds of the ocean, the birds, laughter, free free free. Maybe that is overly simplistic but it's the gist of it.
I have longed to live the simple life my whole life. I was able to do it...between husbands. Hahahahahahha. That's terrible to say but totally true. (my ex left when I was 6 mos preg, please no sympathy folks it was truly a Godsend! ) When I was just living for my daughter and I. My pregnancy was a huge awakening for me. I was truly on my own. I was determined to do it to the umpteenth degree. I wanted to start our new life with a totally clean slate, literally. My unborn child and myself were the center of my attention. I had never had that in my life. I was always living according to someone elses rules and ideals. When I spoke up I was the kooky one, I was nutty, I was way out there. But HA, finally I was at a point where I didn't care, I was going to make decisions with my own divine wisdom.
I did and you know what I made some really good ones. I chose to do things in a "pure" way. My pregnancy was natural ( no artificial ingredients), my dgtrs birth was natural, very slow (29hrs) and pretty painful but natural none the less, I nursed her, used cloth diapers, only organic cotton and usually second hand clothes, everything I did with her I tried to keep as "clean" as possible. I figured if I could keep her as natural as possible her body would do the rest. I also knew at some point she would make her own decisions and I wanted to teach her to make educated ones. She had a homeopathic/MD and to this day, she will be 13 in Nov, she has only been on abx twice. That was when I was in nursing school and bringing home loads of cooties.
So blah blah blah....the point is I am hoping to return to those roots. Back when I saved my money in a jar, when I walked everyday, and read and sang. Back when a vehicle was just that, a vehicle.
I can't believe a week has flown by. It has been busy as usual. Having Shawn "home" has been wonderful, i missed him so badly. He is right up the street, I'm getting plenty of exercise running back and forth. It's really nice. Our friends are great. I set up a site on Caringbridge for Shawn, trying to keep everyone up to speed is insane. I'm going to try and dedicate some time maybe every other day where I can post, e-mail etc. Things are extra busy right now. i'm hustling for a place since that is the ONLY obstacle to his transplant....just a little pressure.
So I have to get some sleep he has a 9 a.m. appt at B&W to have his Ph probe removed!!
I might even make this a "just about me" blog now that Shawn has his own, oh how very selfish of me!!
I feel like I haven't posted in forever. Time is kind of screwy right now for us. Things are either in fast forward or painstakingly paused. Hurrying or waiting, rushing or biding time.
Shawn is doing great. Dr.U has set a tentative discharge for next Monday. EEEK. I am thrilled that he is well enough to be discharged, but I have no idea where the hell he is going to go. He can't come here to the house. We haven't secured a new place yet so a bit anxiety provoking but we'll get through this. We always do.
That I hold onto. We always do and always better than ever! So here's to positive thinking!
Today was a good day for me, all around. Shawn is still in the hospital, he looks really good, feels good and looking forward to getting out. We are in a mad rush to find a new clean home for us. It has been a lot to handle on my own.
Shawn called me this morning he had actually taken it upon himself to go down to the hospital/family library get on the net and hunt down apartments. He found a great little townhouse right across from the beach, in a very nice community. He made all of the calls and made arrangements for us to take a look at it. He then surprised me by conning the doctor into letting him out to come see it with me. After all it's Shawn who has to breathe in it.
So it was such a great treat, tonight Sara, Jake and I drove into town and picked up Shawn and drove off into the night. All of us together driving in the truck, out through the city and down along the ocean to check out the digs. It was so nice just to be with him. Just to look over and see him sitting there, listening to him talk, smelling him, being able to reach over and touch him. It was wonderful!
The place was very nice. Right across the street from the ocean! Duplex, no shared walls, private driveway, clean, just affordable. The location is wonderful, short distance to Sara's school and into Boston.
Anyhoo who cares I am high as a kite just from spending time with my man. He makes me so proud.
Today Shawn's doctor told him that he will not be listed Thursday. It is because we have no place for him to go. Our home is "sick" as some of you know. I am trying to find an apartment a.s.a.p. but trying to find new construction, no carpets, small dog friendly, in our area, and within our budget is a challenge. I'm a bit confused and have to speak with the social worker tomorrow. Suggestions have been pouring in which is a great help and I am going to run every lead into the ground until I find what I need. I don't know that Shawn has time to fart around postponing transplant.
So here we are.
Today is a better day than yesterday and I'm hopeful for tomorrow.
Tattoo idea: Someone on my CF site said months ago "This too shall pass..." I liked that sentiment so much that I wrote it down on my computer desk with permanent marker. I look at it all the time and it helps to keep me grounded. I mentioned to Shawn that I might like that to be my first tattoo. Today (I think it was the same person) said it again to me. It seals the deal for me. "This too shall pass..." feels like the perfect tattoo for me.