This morning I decided to take my daughter to school as usual and then just come back home climb back into bed and hide from the world. Temporarily escape the chaos that is my life.
Temporary being the operative word here.
Yup, I woke up and it was all still here waiting for me. I feel like I'm being devoured.
How can I possibly be able to do all of this? Finding a new place for us, a place that is CLEAN, a place that will accept a small dog and a place that we can afford is a huge challenge. I'm sure there are resources available but i'm not sure where they are and the thought of pouring my heart out to yet another person who doesn't really care is exhausting to me.
On top of all this I can't burden Shawn with my emotions.
I can't go crying to him.
I can't stress him out.
He has to believe that I am o.k. with all of this. He has to believe that I am not freaking out.
That I am not horrified of the thought of losing him.
He has to believe that I am o.k. with this big fucking mess.
What do I need? A drink, a pill, a smoke, should I learn to meditate, take yoga, pray more, cry more, cry less?
What is going to fix me?
I need my husband.
Somewhere in psychology you learn about an infants ability to self-soothe. They comfort themselves, put themselves at ease, go back to sleep.
Where is my ability to self-soothe? Did I ever have it? Did I lose it?
Well just a big wah wah session. I feel better already. Maybe I do have the ability to self-soothe after all.
In all my self pity I forgot to rejoice. Shawn is doing really well. He had his cath yesterday and everything looks good. He is doing PFT's this afternoon and he has a ph probe (sounds so naughty) tomorrow. For those of you who don't know PFT= pulmonary function test and a ph probe is when they stick a long catheter up your nose and down into your stomach to test the acidity of your stomach. I'm sure it's loads of fun.
So yay I'll end this on a positive note Shawn is doing well, I do have a wonderful Husband and Sara Lou has a wonderful Father!
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago