Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I'm tired.
Shawn was admitted yesterday after a really hard weekend. He just tanked out. He was not able to keep his O2 sats in the 80's. I don't know, they say the pulse oximeter isn't accurate once you dip below 80, I don't know, I don't care either.
You don't need a machine to tell you your body is starving for air, that it's dying.
He was mottled at several times. Past the bluish tinge, and even the gray, you look like a corpse.
Even as a nurse I have never seen a living person look like that.

He suffered. I wanted so badly to be able to give some relief, but I couldn't. What the fuck could I do. He kept saying "Help me." and I kept saying "I'm trying."
I couldn't convince him that I had nothing left, that he needed more than me.

I feel so bad about this but I told him his daughter was going to watch him die a horrible tortuous death now, right now, right fucking now, right now, on his chair bent over with his mouth hanging open, trying to get some air. It was true but I still felt so mean saying it to him.
I also told him I couldn't take anymore. That's true too. I'm losing my mind.

I love him so much and it's not fair.

So I made the calls and I took him in and things are better.
Watching the color return to him, his respiration rate come down, see his O2 sats climb up out of the 70's and into high 80's. Yeah he was on 8 Lpm but who cares, his poor body must have been thrilled.

I feel so confident in the care he is receiving. Very happy with the doctors, nurses, PA etc. They are all part of an actual team, it was very comforting to the both of us.

Interesting no temps etc, doc things plugging may be a big culprit. He is on Amakacin, Vanco, and Ceftaz? I think Ceftaz can't remember.
His chest x-ray is so abnormal, I can't see how he is breathing at all.

We are meeting with a Dr. Gold something from transplant tomorrow.

I'm thankful he is where he is taken care of.

Man things turn on a dime.


CowTown said...

This sucks! My first thought when I was reading about what happened was that maybe from all his new treatment regime and bike riding, etc, all the gunk is moving out and clogging his ariways. Hopefully with some serious vest time and IVs -- he'll get back to where he wants to be.

That must have been very scary for both of you! I'm so sorry to hear about it all. What is his FEV1?

Feel better Shawn.

Lisa said...

I am sorry Tina!! I am glad that he is in and doing better now. I am sorry that you had such a rough go too. It is so hard to sit there and watch. I cried when I read your post. Please take care of yourself too!

Christy said...

Prayers being sent your way for sure. It's so much easier being the "sick one" in the relationship. Watching your loved one go through this has got to be the toughest thing. **Hugs**