Friday, June 26, 2009

Thanks Ladies!

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. I doubt myself all of the time, I am always wondering "Am I crazy?" "Am I overreacting? " "Am I irrational, in denial, foolish and naive?"
Part of who I am is a jumble of diagnosis, mood disorder, bi-polar, ADHD, and some other crap so o.k. I accept that sometimes the way I conduct my life doesn't make sense to other people but it works. It works for us right now.

I am trying to re-gain my confidence, I am desperate for stability in our lives.

Living for so long in a constant state of crisis has left me shellshocked somewhat.
But I think in a good way. Everything is stripped away from you, everything just falls away. Well at least it did for us. Nothing but loving each other was important anymore.
We lost everything that we had worked VERY hard for.
I am so much happier for it and sometimes people don't understand how we can be happy. Satisfied with what we have. I feel like we have everything. I don't mind living in a more stripped down manner.

Mostly I want to be carefree. I want to hang on to the "knowing what is really important in life" feeling that I think is part of these life and death struggles with chronic illness.

I don't care if people think we are silly or that I am "out there". I do and I don't. Mostly I don't.

I think we can live like we are. I think that I will be successful in my venture, I believe that Shawn will be alright, I believe we will be able to pay our bills and live in a comfortable way.

So yup, fuck her and everybody else that hates happiness. Fuck'em.

Thanks ladies. Thanks for accepting me for who I am, for being so very supportive and for being honest. I can't imagine how we lived without you all. I guess we were alone and now we are not.
Thank God

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Debbie Downer but I don't give a shit I'm grateful as hell.

This first part is just a venting session folks so take it with a grain of salt.

Ugh I go crazy over this same thing over and over again and I don't know why the hell I do it to myself. A real glutton for punishment. (On a side note my mother told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results)

Tonight Shawn, one of my girlfriends and I took a ride up to this little shop in NH.
She sucks the fucking life out of me. Seriously. A vampire that sucks the life out of you not with her teeth but with her tongue. Although with her, it's not intentional but the result is the same. Her whole vibe reverberates with negativity. Everything that you say she knocks. Like those pigs that turn everything you say into something dirty, she turns everything negative. I can't handle it. Shawn comes with me because he knows she really drags me down. He lightens things up, he acts like a buffer or sometimes a referee.

So you might be saying well why do you continue to hang out with her?

I don't know. I like her in a lot of ways, she is compassionate and sensitive but likes to come off like she's hard and tough. I don't get it. She is loyal, she is a lot of fun for the most part, she's adventurous and always up to try new places or things. Here's the downer part...she belittles everything that I do, she is constantly telling me how I should handle every situation in my life and how she knows better than I. Mind you she has never been married or even in a long term committed relationship, she has no children, owns her own home and lives with her dog. She has never even dealt with having a room mate.
I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, psychology and nursing. I ran a very successful and lucrative home childcare and preschool program, prior to my nursing career, I do have a wonderful confident child, I have a very happy and solid marriage. I think I know what I'm doing.
I am very careful to never give her advice even when she seemingly asks for it, no way. No way I have learned that over the eight years I have known her.
She dismisses everything that we are doing "Why are you doing that? You should be doing it this way. You should say this. You should give up your dreams because they are stupid, you are too naive. That will never work. " and on many occasions she told me that I was a fool for thinking Shawn was going to make it. Even if she believed he was going to die, why would that be important to impress upon me at that time in our lives. Did she think it was helpful? She always brought it up.." You should remarry, he'd want that. Well you are going to have to get used to doing these things for yourself. I hope you are preparing Sara" and blah blah blah. I so wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of my house!

Everything negative negative negative. negative malicious gossip ugh.
I am no saint believe me but oh my God I do not put anybody down. I would never poo-poo someones plans or dreams.
People do succeed, people do have happy honest marriages, it's not so unbelievable. Yet she refuses to. She wants to believe that happiness and true love are nothing but fantasy.

Alright that was quasi-therapeutic. I got that off my chest, I'm not looking for answers really but I'll try to remember to bring it up with my shrink.

Part Two------I don't give a shit I am grateful as hell !!

My life is good. It is. It's been hard and some times things were really fucked up for us but we always loved each other and we always laughed and we made love and we got through it. We are here on the other side.
Our family made it through intact and in love. I am so grateful and amazed by the events of the last almost seven months. Our life took such a drastic change in direction, everything changed for the better. Thank God.
Well Shawn's out for a ride and I am out on my deck typing away listening to the sound of the waves rolling in and enjoying the cool salty breeze on this warm gorgeous night. I am so grateful.
Seven months ago we were in the depths of despair. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet here I am.
So fuck her. Fuck her I am happy, I am blessed, I do have a wonderful life, I have a wonderful daughter, MY HUSBAND IS ALIVE.

If this is fantasy land then I'm staying.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Not Motivated *edited a couple hours later @ 3.49*

Ack this weather is the pits. I should be making jewelery and instead I am doing everything but. I threw on laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, washed the floors, changed clothes 4 times, shoes twice, curled hair (even though I knew it would frizz up the second I walked outside), brought in the trash barrels, took a short walk, caught up on some blogs, FB and e-mails and here I am blogging. Ugh.

I have the most horrific inferiority complex. I am petrified of rejection. I can love love love a piece I've created and then I'll look at it and think what if someone doesn't like it? What if one person in the whole wide world thinks it sucks?

I know that this is an irrational way of thinking but it is an obsession of mine.

The sick feeling that I get when I sense someones dislike for something I have put my heart into is nauseating. It's ridiculous I know but it doesn't stop it from being real.

I can have a hundred positive reactions but it's that one negative that will cause it all to come crashing down. Makes me nuts, I wish I was not this way but I am.

I instantly feel horrible about everything, I feel disgusted with my body, I feel unattractive, I feel inferior in every sense of the word.

I think I am good at this new craft of mine. I think that the jewelery that I create is beautiful, simple, organic, and magical.

I wonder about each piece of seaglass or seapottery that I find, where has it been, how many hands have held this piece, how many conversations has it been privy to, how did it end up in the sea and how long has it been there?

Some pieces I find I'll keep them in my pocket and rub them throughout the day. They have such a wonderful smoothness to them and yet they are textured in this beautiful rugged manner.

Well Shawn's home and he's wondering why I won't let him read my post. He's not pushing it now but I bet he'll take a peek later on. He thinks my mental health is his business....he's got some nerve.

Edit @3:49 p.m.: I added three photos of a piece that i made yesterday. I love it, it's thick and perfectly rounded and smooth. I actually carried this piece of seaglass around in my pocket for months. Slipping my hand in and being able to rub and flip that piece around was very soothing. I think it helps to keep me in the present tense, the "Now". I bet there is a name for it. Anyway I am going to hate parting with this one, but God help me if I put anymore in my "my collection" box Shawn's going to kill me. I know me and I'll hold on to it for as long as I can consequences be damned !

Grateful - NY meet-up

I have so much to say about this past WE but somehow my mind is not spitting out the words to describe it.

I'll say this...I would do it again in a heartbeat! Everything was perfect, the ride, the hotel, the food and of course the people. We laughed and exchanged stories until we were exhausted. We took lots of pictures and I think they'll speak for themselves.

Monday, June 15, 2009

( lost in draft ) A very wecome lull in our lives

It is welcome in so many ways. Shawn is so healthy right now I am almost afraid to say it out loud. His last trip to the OR was May 18th OR infection @ site, admitted and treated with IV antibiotics. OR and discharged home five days later on Friday the 22nd.

He went back in on Wed the 27th for the Nissan procedure (tightens up the base of esophagus to stop any "heartburn" or reflux from getting into his lungs)

I drove down to Virginia on Friday the 29th.

Shawn was discharged home on Saturday the 30th.

I came home on June 1st.
Wednesday the 3rd Sara Lou went to DC with her school, returned on the 5th.

Friday June 11th Shawn had follow up with Dr. W, surgeon. Everything went really well, he has had none of the tightness he feels when needing to be dilated. We were keeping our fingers crossed.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Trip to Virginia and the new Caddie

Sooooo.... the trip was great. Luray where my Father lives is gorgeous, we visited the Luray Caverns and drove along Skyline Drive. I took a ton of photos, couldn't help myself.
The time we spent with my Dad was so much better than I initially expected. He was great, looked good, thinner and older, but positive, pleasant and his energy level was surprisingly pretty high. He proudly introduced us to his friends and neighbors. He was calm and just all around had a good vibe going.

I couldn't help but thinking that the cancer had taken the bitterness out of him.

My Brother and I both remarked that he had really mellowed out. I kept saying that he seemed like he had taken a couple of hits of pot. He was clearheaded enough but mellow. After I got home it occured to me that dah he was high. He was taking 5mg of Marinol twice a day, muwahahahahaha. It really brought out the best in my Dad.

My Dad bought a 1987 Cadillac a few years back and had been working on it. The car is a beauty, a Coupe DeVille fully loaded and in mint condition, a real "creampuff" as my Dad calls it. He gave it to me. I love it!!!

Since streamlining our finances I have been driving an old Jeep. I actually love it but it's been crapping out. I don't mind putting the money out for repairs but it is a hoopty in general. So the Caddy is unbelievable and a huge Blessing.

On the Shawn front..he is doing really well. Still on pureed foods but no pain, no reflux and even more important NO constriction in his airways ! He has been requiring dilitation every two weeks since February and yesterday was three weeks and he still feels open!!!


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Still Good....whoa

So Shawn had his surgery last Wednesday. Everything went very well. They checked his hook-up sites and they were open and healthy looking. Unfortunately they kept him until Saturday so I had to make the trek to Virginia to see my Dad without him. My Father and I had been estranged for many years and have only been on speaking terms for the last year an a half. Last Feb he came up to help me remodel the kitchen during one of Shawn's month long hospital stays. It was an opportunity for us to kind of get to know each other again. Almost 15 years of nastiness between the two of us, I became a wife and mother in that time period. He wasn't there.

This past October he was diagnosed with Cancer. Primary site is lung with mets to brain, liver, and lymph. He is being treated at "The Cancer Centers of America" and I have to say I am extremely impressed with the care he is receiving. Frankly when I heard his diagnosis I didn't expect him to survive the holidays. He is doing great, here nearly eight months later.

I had considerable anxiety with respect to seeing him. I felt like he was back in my life and now he's dying. I didn't want to see him sick. My Father was always very muscular, very fit. He has always been my Fonzie. I know what cancer looks like. I am a nurse and I did not want to see my Dad ravished by it.

I bucked up. I accepted that this was how the trip was going to go. Me without my husband for support, me on my own. Shawn spares me from most difficult experiences. When there is something that is uncomfortable for me, he is my cushion. He helps me through things, sometimes just holding my hand, sometimes fighting for me. He has always been my "make this go away". I made up my mind that everything was going to be great. I imagined my trip as fun and full of adventure, happiness and nature.

My brother and I drove down together with his daughter 7 and Sara Lou 13. We left Friday night 7:30 p.m. the girls were sleeping by 10pm and Peter and I enjoyed the ride. We stopped when we needed to, no pressure. We talked about growing up, all of the camping we did as a family, the injuries sustained, the traveling. We talked about our Dad. My brother shared that he too was sort of frightened seeing Dad sick. I think through all of the chatting was very cathartic for the both of us. We arrived in Virginia around 5:30 a.m. feeling peaceful.

To be cont'd....