Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Debbie Downer but I don't give a shit I'm grateful as hell.

This first part is just a venting session folks so take it with a grain of salt.

Ugh I go crazy over this same thing over and over again and I don't know why the hell I do it to myself. A real glutton for punishment. (On a side note my mother told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results)

Tonight Shawn, one of my girlfriends and I took a ride up to this little shop in NH.
She sucks the fucking life out of me. Seriously. A vampire that sucks the life out of you not with her teeth but with her tongue. Although with her, it's not intentional but the result is the same. Her whole vibe reverberates with negativity. Everything that you say she knocks. Like those pigs that turn everything you say into something dirty, she turns everything negative. I can't handle it. Shawn comes with me because he knows she really drags me down. He lightens things up, he acts like a buffer or sometimes a referee.

So you might be saying well why do you continue to hang out with her?

I don't know. I like her in a lot of ways, she is compassionate and sensitive but likes to come off like she's hard and tough. I don't get it. She is loyal, she is a lot of fun for the most part, she's adventurous and always up to try new places or things. Here's the downer part...she belittles everything that I do, she is constantly telling me how I should handle every situation in my life and how she knows better than I. Mind you she has never been married or even in a long term committed relationship, she has no children, owns her own home and lives with her dog. She has never even dealt with having a room mate.
I have a degree in Early Childhood Education, psychology and nursing. I ran a very successful and lucrative home childcare and preschool program, prior to my nursing career, I do have a wonderful confident child, I have a very happy and solid marriage. I think I know what I'm doing.
I am very careful to never give her advice even when she seemingly asks for it, no way. No way I have learned that over the eight years I have known her.
She dismisses everything that we are doing "Why are you doing that? You should be doing it this way. You should say this. You should give up your dreams because they are stupid, you are too naive. That will never work. " and on many occasions she told me that I was a fool for thinking Shawn was going to make it. Even if she believed he was going to die, why would that be important to impress upon me at that time in our lives. Did she think it was helpful? She always brought it up.." You should remarry, he'd want that. Well you are going to have to get used to doing these things for yourself. I hope you are preparing Sara" and blah blah blah. I so wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of my house!

Everything negative negative negative. negative malicious gossip ugh.
I am no saint believe me but oh my God I do not put anybody down. I would never poo-poo someones plans or dreams.
People do succeed, people do have happy honest marriages, it's not so unbelievable. Yet she refuses to. She wants to believe that happiness and true love are nothing but fantasy.

Alright that was quasi-therapeutic. I got that off my chest, I'm not looking for answers really but I'll try to remember to bring it up with my shrink.

Part Two------I don't give a shit I am grateful as hell !!

My life is good. It is. It's been hard and some times things were really fucked up for us but we always loved each other and we always laughed and we made love and we got through it. We are here on the other side.
Our family made it through intact and in love. I am so grateful and amazed by the events of the last almost seven months. Our life took such a drastic change in direction, everything changed for the better. Thank God.
Well Shawn's out for a ride and I am out on my deck typing away listening to the sound of the waves rolling in and enjoying the cool salty breeze on this warm gorgeous night. I am so grateful.
Seven months ago we were in the depths of despair. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet here I am.
So fuck her. Fuck her I am happy, I am blessed, I do have a wonderful life, I have a wonderful daughter, MY HUSBAND IS ALIVE.

If this is fantasy land then I'm staying.


Lisa said...

I agree--fuck her!!

And not to give advice...but I say get rid of least for now. Energy suckers need to go. Seriously. I know it is hard, I am working on it myself, but it makes a huge difference.

Enjoy your life!

Amy said...

Amen girl! Screw her. If she can't see what a positive life you lead even with all the negative shit in there then she is not worthy of your friendship. Sometimes we need to weigh the good and bad :) Crap you didn't want advice LOL but my big mouth offered haha!!!!

I was so excited to meet you and Shawn this past weekend and I am so glad I did. You two are friggin hysterical!!!! You have a fabulous family and have made the most out of a life that could have been thrown away looooong ago. THAT is something to smile about for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim said...

I echo Amy and Lisa's advice! It sounds like her negativity outweighs the good points to her personality and your friendship. Someone who has the power to make you feel badly about yourself and your life (even unintentionally) isn't a positive force. Ultimately, you have to do what feels best for you. Sorry you are going through this!
<3 Kim