Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A quiet day?

This morning I decided to take my daughter to school as usual and then just come back home climb back into bed and hide from the world. Temporarily escape the chaos that is my life.

Temporary being the operative word here.

Yup, I woke up and it was all still here waiting for me. I feel like I'm being devoured.

How can I possibly be able to do all of this? Finding a new place for us, a place that is CLEAN, a place that will accept a small dog and a place that we can afford is a huge challenge. I'm sure there are resources available but i'm not sure where they are and the thought of pouring my heart out to yet another person who doesn't really care is exhausting to me.

On top of all this I can't burden Shawn with my emotions.

I can't go crying to him.
I can't stress him out.
He has to believe that I am o.k. with all of this. He has to believe that I am not freaking out.
That I am not horrified of the thought of losing him.
He has to believe that I am o.k. with this big fucking mess.
I'm not.

What do I need? A drink, a pill, a smoke, should I learn to meditate, take yoga, pray more, cry more, cry less?
What is going to fix me?

I need my husband.

Somewhere in psychology you learn about an infants ability to self-soothe. They comfort themselves, put themselves at ease, go back to sleep.
Where is my ability to self-soothe? Did I ever have it? Did I lose it?

Well just a big wah wah session. I feel better already. Maybe I do have the ability to self-soothe after all.

In all my self pity I forgot to rejoice. Shawn is doing really well. He had his cath yesterday and everything looks good. He is doing PFT's this afternoon and he has a ph probe (sounds so naughty) tomorrow. For those of you who don't know PFT= pulmonary function test and a ph probe is when they stick a long catheter up your nose and down into your stomach to test the acidity of your stomach. I'm sure it's loads of fun.

So yay I'll end this on a positive note Shawn is doing well, I do have a wonderful Husband and Sara Lou has a wonderful Father!


Lisa said...

I'm so sorry Tina! I know that there isn't anything I can say to make this feel better. I wish I had the magic words to impart on how to deal with the mess that is CF and how hard it is deal with the person you love going through it. I hate even leaving a comment because my words seem so inadequate in every way. But at the same time, I want you to know that you are not alone. Our stories are not the same, but we both have husbands with CF and we both know that struggle. It is hard--there is no way around it. So, while inadequate, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that things are so rough right now. I am sending you and Shawn all of the healthy, peaceful vibes I can right now!! Lisa

Piper said...

Tina, I sent you a PM on the site. I hope you're feeling better about all of this tomorrow. The only words I can realistically offer are "this too shal pass" -- and I know that doesn't make it any better in the here and now.

Please remember that as much as your husband needs you, you also have needs that are worthwhile and legitimate. It's trite, but also true.

Elizabeth said...

Tina -- I can only add my understanding and support; it is truly something to be trying to understand/manage ones own complex and strong emotions related to all this very ,very serious health stuff and the prospects it raises and, at the same time, do EVERYTHING needed on a day-to-day basis to make a home, keep a home, create the climate for your loved one to be able to care for himself and prosper, earn a living, etc., etc. Good days and bad days, that's all I can say. You're not alone. I wish for you a period of quiet stability to rest and rejuvinate. Try to take care of yourself too! Love, Elizabeth