A Good Day

I had a beautiful breakfast with Shawn at this little diner I think it's in Salem. Then Shawn dropped me off at the library to attend the Swampscott Historical Society meeting. Which I did and I enjoyed that. Then I walked home on this gorgeous sunny day, dropped my purse off at my house, and headed down to the beach.

Today I am so grateful to have this apartment, to live in this lovely community, to have nothing and everything all at once.
Maybe that doesn't make a lot of sense but a few years ago our lives were so different. Today we rent not own, we drive an 89 Jeep that my brother-in-law gave us instead of the two SUV's we used to have. Today we don't have all of that responsibility hanging over our heads anymore, the constant worry about the house and knowing the house was a huge source of misery for all of us but unable to sell it to break even in it's run-down state. It was just really a ton of money going right out the window, a fucking shame. We had two hefty truck payments and ins payments and so on. I know most people understand how expensive it is to live and when your income is cut by two thirds you can't live the same way.

So this really isn't a bitch session or poor me, it's a declaration of my freedom. my freedom to be happy again.

Our lives have improved in so many ways, I am so grateful.

Having Shawn back is incredible. Sometimes I really have to stop and think is this real? Were we all so stressed out and squashed just a few months ago? Was he really on the brink of death just 14 weeks ago? Were we up to our eyeballs in debt?
It really seems like it was just a long bad dream or sometimes it seems like it's all maybe just a book that I read and not our history, our reality.

Every morning I wake to the sun rising over the ocean and bouncing off of the water and into my room. It is glorious.

My husband is breathing deep and peaceful.

We go out and enjoy seeing our friends, a lot of whom we haven't spent time with in years because Shawn was so sick and I was so fucked up. We all sit at the dinner table together each night. We all talk and laugh and goof around because Shawn's not suffering anymore. He's fat and has color in his face and life in his eyes. He can breathe. He's better. It's the most wonderful thing in the world. I can't believe how Blessed we've really been.

Today we pay our bills ahead of schedule every month because we are living within our "new" means. We live in a state that although not perfect has healthcare coverage that is made affordable to just about everyone and we'd be lost without it. Shawn's Transplant Team is amazing.

Well i realize that this whole post has been a bunch of disjointed rambling but today that's where my mind is. All over the place but very happy
I am so happy.

He is Super Bad

Oh Man he is soooooo bad! It's beautiful out right now, gorgeous day, light sweater weather. Well with warm weather around here it brings out the motorcycles that are just sitting in their garages waiting for the Spring.

Shawn was supposed to give up his bike for transplant, and like a puking teenager who swears they'll never drink again if they just get through the night, he has re-negged on the bike.

Guess who just had to ride around the block. Yup. He is such an ass. He's still on weight restrictions, up to 15lbs, and he's out riding his 600+ lb bike. So I'm sitting out here on our deck, with my laptop perched on my lap and listening to the roar of his bike from somewhere down the road. I'm somewhere between worried, irritated, and excited.

Oh he's back and in one piece and smiling from ear to ear.

I have accepted that Shawn is not going to behave. He's not going to do the "smart" thing.

I can't really bring myself to be mad about it. I think about our friends that have done the right and safe thing all of their lives and didn't stop them from getting cancer, dying in a car accident, or being stolen away by Cystic Fibrosis. So maybe the lesson in that is to enjoy life.

Don't be a fucking shithead, but take some chances, push yourself a little bit, pursue the things that bring you joy.

Maybe I am just trying to rationalize away the fact that my husband is a nut and doesn't listen to me, but maybe it's o.k.

If you could have seen the smile on his face as he throttled that bike up to our drive, the look of pure joy and freedom plastered across his face, you'd forgive him too.

This time last year my husband was dying and now he's living. Amen to that.

I believe this is the ONE !

Oh my God, tonight we went to see what I really believe is going to be our new place.
It is gorgeous! Everything I dreamed of, everything on our "list", it is perfect.
Phenomenal location, directly across the street from my beloved ocean, "very" nice neighborhood/community, garage, beautiful craftsmanship, second and third floor, two bedrooms, all hardwood floors, state of the art washer and dryer ON THE SECOND FLOOR, closets, heated with gas, radiators ( no dusty hot air), woo hoo gorgeous kitchen, small deck off of kitchen (plenty of space for herb garden) large deck off of front with literally million dollar views, built in's everywhere.
The apartment/addition was designed by a local architect for the homeowner herself to live in, believe you me she spared no expense and you can see how much she loved her home. It is a warm loving space. Everything is new but she had the character of the main house infused in the addition, so it has all of the architectural details that I love. There is a gorgeous view of the ocean from every window except the bathroom.

Sooooo....we'll soon know for sure.

We have decided to sell our truck. We discussed it, either the motorcycle or the truck. He loves the bike, I knew he'd choose the bike, hee hee hee.
I am buying (cash, very short money) what I lovingly refer to as a hoopty. It is a jeep, just a jeep. A Sahara, hard top, soft top, bikini top that was rebuilt by my brother-in-law, it is a standard, has 4-wheel drive, and I love it!

So there frees up almost $5,500. per yr in the payments and another $1,400. in insurance!!!!!!

Almost $7,000 per year in one fell swoop, that doesn't even include the $75 per week in gas, and upkeep, tires etc.
So...better than $10,000. per year Oh hell yeah!

I'm on a roll !

P.S. Shawn is hanging in there. Fighting to stay positive, he has a very tough time with change.