Just out of sorts. I can't put my finger on it but it drives me nuts.
I feel tired and unfocused.
I have to remember to talk myself out of these moods. It works pretty well although I will catch myself sliding back into the gray and have to fight it off.
I feel lost.
I recently signed up for facebook after much nagging from a friend of mine. It's alot of fun catching up with people who I haven't run across in years. Shawn has a facebook too so it's fun for us both, sometimes he hijacks mine and writes ridiculous things and vice versa.
Anyway the thing is that Shawn had ALOT of female friends as a child and they are coming out of the woodwork. Then there is the girlfriends of those girls and they all seem to think Shawn is a celebrity or something.
I really had no problem with it except some of them are a little too agressive in my opinion. They send messages through his inbox, asking more personal information and I think it's crossing the line.
A few weeks ago when Shawn went in for his first touch up, while I was waiting for him to come out of surgery his cell rings, it's this girl he grew up with..she said she hadn't heard from him and was worried, she knew he was having the bronch the day before. She had even called his fucking grandmother to find out what was up.
He had given her his number, which I knew and was irritated about to begin with. Believe me this girl is no threat to me on a physical level, she is not anything Shawn would think was attractive but it's the fucking ego stroking that I'm pissed about.
Oh poor Shawn, Oh you've been through so much...Oh blah blah blah...Which that is fine he can't control what they say but don't continue the conversation don't feed it.
He will have three or four of these conversations going on at once it's ridiculous.
Am I just and insecure twit, threatened by the fact that he is healthy and doesn't "need" me anymore?
I try and gauge my reaction by saying what's good for the goose is good for the gander, would it be alright for me to entertain old "male" friends of mine? Of course guys don't blather on incessantly like women do but anyway.
So now I have this crappy ugly feeling in me. I'm not young enough, thin enough, pretty enough, and on and on.
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago