Well I'm stumped today. Frustrated by my lack of focus. What am I doing? What is my purpose in life. How does one go about finding their purpose? how do commit to something? Rather why can't I commit to something?
I know the usual 'find what you love'
I love so many things, I love the ocean and the beach, I love people and helping them, I love to learn about alternatives...alternative thinking, medicine, nutrition, exercise. I love gardens and flowers, fruits and vegetables. I love creating and growing things, I love to nurture. I love to give people hope and to bring them joy. I love to write.
I love so many things and I know a little about a lot but not a lot about a little. I'm sort of 'Jack of all Trades' except in my mind. I am a quick study and am often frustrated that I don't know more about things that others seem to know about.
Today I can see I am trapped in my head. Shawn will tell me that it's alright, it's one day, but I don't like it.
How does someone sit down and complete a task? I have so many ideas in my head regarding my seaglass that I am overwhelmed by them. I come to a bump in the road and get discouraged I give up too easily. Instead of just finding the solution to the problem and remedying the situation I just wallow in it. What the hell is that about? I usually know what I need to do I just don't take the steps to do it.
Blah blah blah What a bitch session this has turned out to be.
I am squandering time and I hate that. I'm not engaged in life today. I'm just here.
Ugh..........not long ago these ruminations would have led me to thinking of going to sleep. Going to sleep in hopes that when I wake up everything would be crystal clear, an epiphany will be born and I will be alive again.
Now I know that sleep is not going to help. I know I have to work these things out, putting the pieces together like an intricate puzzle. Pull my fragmented mind together for the sake of living, engaging.
It's hard though.
Whatever the reasons my mind is not always looking out for my best interests and I have to be cognizant of that fact. My mind keeps me in the past and in the future but never in the present and that is how time slips away from me.
So right now I am going to try to reconnect with the present and stay in it. It's a lot harder than it sounds. My mind is very quick to wander away.
I am going to dump out a big jar of glass and sort through it, focusing on the feel of it, the textures, colors, shapes, imperfections and weight of each piece. Lucky for me my glass is sorted by color and usually even by age/thickness.
I am going to focus on making one thing. something small. earrings.
Yes earrings. I recently learned how to make my own "findings"...that's the metal part of the jewelery. So earrings it will be. Color. hmmmm? O.K. this could be a stumper. Blue. Blue because it is so gorgeous and it reminds me of the sky and the sea all at once. Blue because it is cool and calm, just like me. HA!
O.K. Blue earrings. Ready set go!
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago