So yesterday Shawn sort of complained in a very casual manner that he was feeling a bit SOB, but mostly with exertion such as climbing two flights of stairs but not at rest. His O2 sats would drop to 89 but quickly climb back into the high 90's w/ rest. He said he just felt tight, not his whole chest just inhaling he said he felt like he was trying to force the air in, his lungs were expanding without any discomfort but he felt like it was hard to get the air to them.
Now Shawn has twice been to the OR for what the surgeon refers to as debridement and dilation and we knew he would be going back in but with me having plans to be in Florida the surgeon said they could go three weeks instead of two UNLESS Shawn ran into any trouble. His surgeon explained that after applying the electrical current to the sloughing areas in the main bronchi/hook up it would shrink up as it healed and that is why they also dilated, an attempt to counteract the tightening.
Well two weeks would have been right on the money. He called his team this morning and the surgeon wants him in the OR tomorrow.
When Shawn called and told me I had a wide mix of emotions, I felt guilt immediately for being here and for having them delay it to three weeks to begin with. I felt helpless because I am here and he is there and there is no possible way for me to get back to Boston before tomorrow morning. I felt afraid...what if something happened? I felt mad at my Mother because she pushed for me to come down here when I knew he wasn't stable enough. I felt like I really let Shawn down.
Then I stopped myself, (not before crying a little with frustration) I have no control over this. I can't change it, no matter what and this is what is best for Shawn.
I read a book when I was going through alot and really fighting for my own sanity, by Ekhardt Tolland called "The Power of Now". I collected many little gems from that book and it has helped me through many hard times. One thing was that if you find yourself in circumstances that suck, think and act as if you had chosen it for yourself, not that it was thrust upon you.
So how about things were scheduled this way from beginning. Shawn is comfortable with the procedure and always feels better afterward. We have complete trust in his team and faith in God. Arrangements were made for Sara Lou to have a sleepover, my Brother Peter took the day off to drive Shawn and provide moral support. I am enjoying the last days of my vacation before driving back up to Boston on Friday and by the time I get back Shawn will be feeling great and all will be right with the world.
I've talked with Shawn and I'm proud of him for doing this, for taking responsibility for his care I'm proud that he is doing this even though he would have preferred to wait.
He's alright with the decision and the way things are right now. He knows he will feel better and he's glad he's having it done. His big thing was he didn't want me to worry or be upset. He is such an incredible guy.
So it's o.k. there is no emergency, Shawn is fine and his team is acting appropriately.
I'm at Peace with it. I really am.
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago