The last couple of weeks I have been struggling with a wide range of emotions, but mostly depression and agitation. It's always a huge fight in my own head when my depression rears it's head because I can't for the life of me understand why. On one side of my mind I see no reason for it, I see it as a ridiculous weakness, I see it as laziness, weakness, a figment of my own imagination. I see it as something that should be completely within my control and something I should be able to snap out of, stop being a baby etc. I do not accept it as a "chemical imbalance" or "mental illness". I see it as something I should be able to talk myself out of.
On the other side of my mind, I accept it. It's part of who I am. Whatever the cause, the fluctuation in hormones or neurotransmitters is real. Sometimes my mind does not run smoothly. Sometimes it is a washing machine that has gone off balance.
Over the years I have learned ways to help push the reset button so to speak and they work pretty well.
Anyhoo my triumph today is that although I am not sleeping in a normal pattern I was determined last night when I went to bed that I was going to have a good day today.
I went to bed at 10pm and was up at 11:39pm Ugh !!! I was back asleep sometime after 3:49a.m. and then my dog woke me up at 5:16 a.m....oh that's a gross story..but I digress back to sleep sometime after 5:40 ish I was awakened by Shawn at 6:30 a.m. (who was determined to be the first patient at the GI office to have his Ph probe pulled) I fell back asleep around 7ish and then woke up myself at 8:19a.m.
I know this is all riveting but I mostly write to understand myself so sorry guys. When I woke up I was still clinging to the "I am going to have a good day today".
I am. Maybe it's the sun is shining, maybe it's my hormone shift, maybe it's me forcing negative thoughts out of my head, forcing myself not to ruminate, whatever it is I am happy. I am having a good day and I am so thankful for it.
Shawn decided this morning that since the Red Sox game was rained out last night and rescheduled for today at noon, that he would take Sara Lou into Boston with him and see if he could score some tickets. So guess what? Yes, they are now wandering around Fenway together. Shawn the same man who was so crapped out not five months ago is enjoying the day with Sara Lou.
I just took my delicious famous lemon poppy super duper pooper loaves out of the oven, the house smells very lemony, I'm working on a seaglass project and I have an appt with my shrink this afternoon. A very good day indeed!