Thursday, April 30, 2009

...cause I got a peaceful easy feeling...

We are really having a good time, things are good for us.
We have this beautiful home so perfect, on this beautiful beach, that brings all of us so many things. The sheer beauty of waking up to the sounds of the birds in our trees, the oceans movement, smelling the air, the desire to want be outside engaging in it.
I'm inspired to do things I have always wanted to do but haven't.

You know when you fill out forms that ask you what your interests and hobbies are? I never knew what to put because although I had many "hobbies" in my head and I had many interests in my head but I never pursued any of them. Not really. I was too busy with other things and other people to waste time on doing something just for the pleasure of it.

My hobbies and interests have been everywhere and nowhere, everything and nothing. My hobby, my interests was trying to get along in life, trying to just move forward, trying to fit in in one school after another after another, trying to understand my own mind, trying to be a good dgtr, a good student, a 1st and 2nd time wife, a mother, a nurse. My passion was researching what I needed to do at that particular point in my life. I read books and articles and spent alot of time in libraries of all kinds. Trying to gather enough information to do something as well as I could.

Now I feel at Peace with most things in my life, I feel like I have succeeded where I need to most. I feel like I am a really good mother and wife. I feel like I was a really good Nurse. I feel like I am in a good person.

So here I am at this really weird place in my life. Somewhere I have never been before. I am at peace.
I have interests now, that are for the sheer pleasure of them.
I walk the beach, I collect seaglass, I research it, I plan and create beautiful things with it.
I cook dinner almost every night, and we sit and enjoy it together. Chit-chatting together.
I'm social, actually going out to parties, events, shows.

I went to a party over the weekend where I knew I was only going to know the hostess. I knew her through another person, but mostly on-line. We have a lot in common and she's great. I am very attracted to her vivacious personality, her adventurous and her positive attitude. She is open minded but not to a fault. We share the same passion for our children and for our spouses, for our marriages. She, unlike me, is a do'er. I want to be a do'er too.

She's nutty as a squirrel turd as my husband would say.

The point is that not very long ago I never would have gone to that party.
For a million reasons if I needed them but primarily the reason was I would be off of my turf with people I didn't know from a whole in the wall who might be cool and aloof, snobby, cliquey, stinky, crappy people. People that might make me feel unattractive, fat, unintelligent, and unwanted.

None of those things ever entered my mind until I was reflecting on the whole weekend, this morning. I can't believe I am going out and engaging with friends and strangers and not feeling the slightest bit of apprehension. How very weird.
Plus I had an awesome time, I socialized with everyone, talked with everyone, moved through the crowd with total ease, got my own drinks as neccesary, picked at pickies, even smoked a couple of cigarettes out on the balcony.
I thoroughly enjoyed my husband, talking with him, joking, watching him and of course the detoured ride home was a very good time.

So this whole rambling post is about what? I don't know. I'm feeling peaceful and I'm so thankful and I realize how much life I was missing before now.

I've arrived. I feel like I am here.


Julie said...

Hi Tina-

I'm glad you found my blog and that you're at such a good place in your life.

You're right, I think CFers are special. I think by going through so much, it really impacts their outlook and how they interact with others. Even at only 3, I can see it in Seamus.

Seamus loves to see the other CF kids on-line. Lately I've been showing him adult CFer blogs too so he sees he can be a happy "normal" adult too.

People like you and Shawn really give me hope for Seamus' future.

Kim said...

Good for you Tina! I've been feeling the same way lately, just really happy and peaceful with my life. Who knows why, let's just enjoy it! Hope to run into you when we are out walking soon!! <3 Kim