Saturday, November 8, 2008

Coming unwound....

So today I am really feeling the weight of everything going on in my life, I'm overwhelmed.

1) Shawn is end-stage. He is dying. I think that it is a true statement, without this transplant his lungs are going to kill him.
We have a meeting with the transplant team and our "support team". These are friends and family that agree to provide support to Shawn post-transplant. If Shawn needs to get to an appointment and I for some reason can't take him, someone would. He can't miss ANY appointments. I guess they provide moral support. We have great friends, there were so many willing to help us out it was hard to narrow it down.
They are taking time off from work to attend this meeting. It says a lot.

So that's the good part. This meeting I am assuming is when they will officially list him. I don't know. It's nerve wracking. I assume they are because why elsewould they have out team come in.

2) I'm still moving our crap into the new place. Not horrible just tiresome

3) I'm starting a part time position as school nurse at my daughters school. I'll work toward tuition.

3) I'm not sleeping.

4) My Father has cancer, he has mets to the brain, liver and "somewhere near my groin". They are beginning aggressive chemotherapy and radiation on Monday. He said he started a med to help keep the swelling in his brain down. What the fuck.

He is in Chicago at "The Cancer Treatment Centers of America". I want to be with him, he wants me to be with him. He's dying and I can't go see him because Shawn will be listed, hopefully Wednesday, and I can't leave him.
I feel horrible about that because we were estranged for many years and we only reconciled in February. He actually came up when Shawn went into the hospital for a month. He did the plumbing in my kitchen.

We wasted so many years being hurt and stubborn and angry. Now here we are and he is dying and I may not see him before he does.

I want to comfort him and I can't. I want to see him and smell him and laugh at the funny way he walks, always a sailor. I can't and it feels really shitty.

So today I'm trying to accept and balance a few things.


CFsteph said...

Hi Tina,

You and Shawn are going to get through this. Keep the Faith. B&W will not stear you in th wrong direction. I meet with them last week they gave me a form to have my support people fill out. You both are in my thoughts and prayers...I know Shawn will be getting his lungs soon, I can feel it!

Lisa said...

I am so sorry Tina! You have so much going on right now, you are keeping it together with much grace my friend! I know the feeling when you really need to be in more than one place at once, and so whatever place you choose, you feel guilt for not being in the other. It is so difficult. I am sorry to hear about your father and hope that you will be able to spend some time with him. And I hope that the listing goes quickly and smoothly with Shawn. Hang in there!!!

CowTown said...

Wow Tina. You do have a lot going on in your life right now. I'm really sorry to read all that you're going through!!! I iwish I could say something to help take some of this load off.

Just know I will be thinking of you and your family, and I do hope Shawn gets his lungs very soon so you can move forward!

Peace to you.

Kim said...

Tina, maybe a walk by the ocean will help settle you down- it can't take away everything that is going on, but I think the salt air has a soothing quality. I'm keeping you guys in my thoughts, hope to see you soon. Take care of yourself. Love, Kim