So tired of being tired. So tired of dragging myself through my days. I feel muted. I feel buried. It is a constant daily struggle to pull myself out my head enough to function, to complete the bare minimum.
Well Shawn just came home for a minute and that's all it takes. I told him how I was feeling and he instantly soothed me. Pointed out some obvious things, 1) I am clinically depressed, diagnosed bi-polar and have been non-medicated for over a year. 2) We have significant stressors in our lives 3) I have PMS.
He told me that he felt I was doing fine, that I am harder on myself than I should be, and that he supports any decision that I make regarding medication but that I have to be willing to accept myself and all of my ups and downs, my cycles. He fully accepts them as part of who I am and as long as I am not going dangerously low he tries to be gentle with me and patiently waits for me to pull out of it. He knows the good days follow the bad ones.
He wants me to invest more in myself, he wants me to return to the gym for the classes that I loved and felt great after attending. He believes that committing to myself, getting on a schedule and spending time with friends in a healthy way will help. He's right.
He also gave me $50 to buy myself a sweater for a day trip I am going on with a dear friend later this week. A friend who I feel like I let down a lot. Because I can't get out of my own way most days. Although I have noticed that if I actually make the plans I do follow through. (Note to self~ get a personal calender and fill it with lunches, coffee, tea, walks, shopping trips, etc)
*I know $50 doesn't seem like a lot to most but for me to spend $50 on myself on a sweater that I actually need makes me feel weird. I hate shopping I hate trying things on. But this time, despite my anxiety I have to buy something because I have nothing left for clothes.
He left me money for groceries and the sweetest kiss.
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago