One official year, What I remember....

So here we are one year ago today my husband stopped struggling to breathe.

In the wee hours on November 28th 2008 a strangers lungs began feeding my husbands blood oxygen , perfusing his resting body with life. Oxygen saturated blood, thoroughly saturated food.

My first post-transplant memory is of me being roused from a peaceful slumber by the sensation of my big toe being tugged on. I opened my eyes, it was Dr. Camp's face. I remember his face to be kind and with a distinct look of satisfaction on it. I remember him saying that Shawn was good, stable, he was being cleaned up and for me to wake up and he'd be back out to talk to me. There may have been more to that report but that's all I remember.

I don't think I was ever afraid. Now granted there was a wee bit of Ativan involved, on my part but really I was never afraid. I've been afraid since but not then.

Not sure if I posted or what I'm sure I notified people but I'll be damned if I can remember a single call. I was with Mac. Oh he was so wonderful, I won't ever be able to thank him enough for being with me. I love my family don't get me wrong but Mac was perfect for the job. He's huge and calm and he loves Shawn. I felt safe, calm and comforted.

Next I remember it was like three hours later when Dr. Camp came back out, he told me Shawn was sick like he should be or that's what I heard. He was stable, he was pink, he had started up after bi pass without a problem, I should expect to see a lump in the middle of his chest, because they had to pull some tissue in there to cover his wires, Shawn was so thin there. He was doing well. Shawn's old lungs lungs were a disaster and a bitch to scrape out of there. He was full of adhesion. I remember him saying that in 15 yrs they were some of the worst.

I was so happy. When they let me in to see him, I can't remember if I was with anyone I just remember how beautiful and pink he was. Oh it was the most beautiful thing to see, even now a year later when I think of how peaceful his body looked and so healthy he was glowing it brings me to tears.

I think it was a few minutes before I began to notice all of the equipment, the machines, drains, bags, tubes, IV pumps, the vent, the monitors seemed to be everywhere. Then the sounds. All of them were there but they weren't a part of my world. He looked comfortable, like he was just a healthy guy in a movie portraying a transplant recipient.

I remember them allowing him to wake up a little and then I do remember crying a little. I remember him asking me with his eyes and his hand gesture if he was done. He had restraints on. He was rolling his eyes at them. He was so funny and I was so happy he was o.k. and I was so thankful

I am so thankful.