Alright now that I dicked around with the font for ten minutes and still haven't got the one I wanted I have a couple of things to get down here in my ever faithful blog.
So yeah the title is "I want a new drug" for all of you whipper snappers it's the title of a "Huey Lewis and The News" song. Yikes Huey Lewis what a name. Ah the 80's so good and so bad, but I digress.
Well I have been having a hard time pulling myself together for the last couple of months. Yes I have good minutes, hours but rarely whole days and it is frustrating to me because I feel like it holds me down. It's alot more than being able to get and keep my shit together. It's the constant banter in my mind that is the most difficult to deal with. A constant barrage of intrusive thoughts, mostly negative in one way or another and always focused on me and my perceived shortcomings.
I was going to try and list some of the stuff racing in my head but when I started to listen to the shit it got so loud and frenzied that I couldn't pull things apart. Everything jumbled together in one big spinning mass of fragments. So forget it.
The point was that I really was beginning to resent my own mind and I wanted to be free from it for just a bit, just a little break, just a little quiet. Now there are many drugs that will do that for me but most are eventually counter productive. Short term fantastic but no good for everyday life. I can't go around ripping rails or tweaked all of the time. I suppose I could but I've been there, not only is it expensive but dangerous and not the example I want to set either.
I already feel guilty that I have to be on meds to begin with. I feel like I am sending the message that there is always a pill for every occasion. Well anyhoo I finally went to see my pharmacologist (who I hate, not really her but what she represents to me) and we started a new med. Ugh I hate mood stabilizers, I feel like they are for the weakest of the weak and the most cuckoo. Shame on me for being a mental illness snob.
I've been on them in the past, I stopped my previous one in January after determining I was cured. After-all now that Shawn has his new lungs I should be better too, right.
O.K. so here's the gig. I am determined. This morning I got up, took my meds and took my dog for a walk (I bought a designated walking outfit yesterday because 'what to wear' is a huge roadblock for me). It's 2 p.m. I have not eaten yet but I will.
Rambling I know but sometimes these posts are just my thinking out loud and not nessesarily with an audience in mind.
It's raining, blah
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago