Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I want a new drug, I got one.

Alright now that I dicked around with the font for ten minutes and still haven't got the one I wanted I have a couple of things to get down here in my ever faithful blog.
So yeah the title is "I want a new drug" for all of you whipper snappers it's the title of a "Huey Lewis and The News" song. Yikes Huey Lewis what a name. Ah the 80's so good and so bad, but I digress.

Well I have been having a hard time pulling myself together for the last couple of months. Yes I have good minutes, hours but rarely whole days and it is frustrating to me because I feel like it holds me down. It's alot more than being able to get and keep my shit together. It's the constant banter in my mind that is the most difficult to deal with. A constant barrage of intrusive thoughts, mostly negative in one way or another and always focused on me and my perceived shortcomings.
I was going to try and list some of the stuff racing in my head but when I started to listen to the shit it got so loud and frenzied that I couldn't pull things apart. Everything jumbled together in one big spinning mass of fragments. So forget it.

The point was that I really was beginning to resent my own mind and I wanted to be free from it for just a bit, just a little break, just a little quiet. Now there are many drugs that will do that for me but most are eventually counter productive. Short term fantastic but no good for everyday life. I can't go around ripping rails or tweaked all of the time. I suppose I could but I've been there, not only is it expensive but dangerous and not the example I want to set either.

I already feel guilty that I have to be on meds to begin with. I feel like I am sending the message that there is always a pill for every occasion. Well anyhoo I finally went to see my pharmacologist (who I hate, not really her but what she represents to me) and we started a new med. Ugh I hate mood stabilizers, I feel like they are for the weakest of the weak and the most cuckoo. Shame on me for being a mental illness snob.
I've been on them in the past, I stopped my previous one in January after determining I was cured. After-all now that Shawn has his new lungs I should be better too, right.

O.K. so here's the gig. I am determined. This morning I got up, took my meds and took my dog for a walk (I bought a designated walking outfit yesterday because 'what to wear' is a huge roadblock for me). It's 2 p.m. I have not eaten yet but I will.

Rambling I know but sometimes these posts are just my thinking out loud and not nessesarily with an audience in mind.

It's raining, blah


Lisa said...


Don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done I know). I do understand the battle with taking drugs for mental health stuff...I have been down that road many many times. It sucks. I hate that I have to take medication every day just to function. But I do, so I take them and have stopped fighting it. I did the rollercoaster one and off thing for awhile and that was just bad news. It doesn't mean that you are just means that your body is f-ed up and you need the drugs to fix that. Again, easier to say than accept. But, it's the truth.

Hang in there hon!!


Amy said...

You know what's cuckoo? KNOWING you NEED drugs and NOT taking them :)

So there you are as sane as I am ;)


HUGS and Love my dear!

Graciy said...

It's hard when your husband has CF. believe me I know :) Not only does every part of you want to make him feel better but you also have all the "normal" cards delt.

I think it's awesome that you taking care of yourself. If it works then there is no reason to feel bad.

Cystic Gal said...

I am new to your blog, so I won't say much, but that I know how you feel with the pre-transplant, post-transplant situation. After my sister got her transplant (05), I went through a phase of "hello, my lungs still don't work!" that was difficult.

The rest of it, is hard too, but I don't know you well enough to get all into that. Other than to say, I hope you are feeling a bit better everyday. That is what I usually hope for. A little better tomorrow.

PS. I invite you to my blog! CysticGal!

CowTown said...

That sounds tough Tina. I'd have to agree with Amy. Coming from a place where I'm taking 20+ pills a day for (you know) all sorts of stuff, I say - if a pill helps, then take it.

Also in my experience, mental health pills work best matched with therapy to try and help yourself from within.

Hugs to you.

Kim said...

Tina, I know you know this--- your illness is no less real than CF. To NOT take medication for it would be the same as one of us not being compliant with our meds because we felt we should be able to overcome the illness with sheer willpower alone. Just as ours is generic, yours is a chemical imbalance that requires medical intervention.

Yes, there can be side effects, some worse than others, but overall it's important to keep those negative, gerbil-on-a wheel-thoughts at bay so you can enjoy your life, raise your daughter, enjoy your time with Shawn and follow your creative urges. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's not meant to be at all, just my way of saying "I hear ya". Illness, whether it be mental, physical or both really stinks and isn't fair. I'm sorry you got dealt this hand of cards in life, but please know that I find you to be an inspiration. You appear totally put together and in control to an outside observer, it's only through your blog that I have a tiny glimpse of your daily battles.

I'm rambling, sorry, but I just wanted you to know that although I don't know what it's like to have your illness, I do feel your frustration and want to encourage you to keep on doing what you need to do in order to feel your best. You're a great person and we all love you just as you are! xo, Kim