Getting it together....trying to

Mental health check. Still having a really hard time staying focused at all. Agitation sometimes getting the best of me. I tried a new med, blah. Definitely exacerbated symptoms. Back to the drawing board. I had a very productive and destructive manic phase. Unfortunately even my swings are so sudden and frequent I can't take full advantage of the tiny window of good energy. Grrr.

Life goes on. During my upswing I spent more than I should have and blew our budget for the month. Shawn is none too happy. I even bounced a check!!!! We have so much going on too. Really we've been so active socially I'm feeling a little burnt out. We went out last Fri to a cook out, Saturday our niece slept over, Sunday we had Shawn's brother and his wife over for some nice beach time and Sunday evening we had company again. This weekend Sara has a birthday party from 2-5, then we have a clambake that is running from 5-10, we also have a block party that same night that is running 6-11. Sunday is my Nana's 88th birthday so we'll be going up to NH. Wednesday we are leaving for Buffalo to meet up with our friends who are from Florida but will be in NY for a family wedding. The third week of August I think we are going to Virginia to visit my Dad and do some camping. Crazy busy.

I'm trying to get my seaglass out and about. I keep creating things and my home is being overrun. I'm learning new techniques and really enjoy just working with my hands. The glass is so tactile I love it. I'm very pleased with the feedback I have been getting.

Shawn is doing great, feels good is getting plenty of fresh air and exercise. Sara and I really take advantage of living on a beach. Almost everyday we meander over at some point and take a dip. The two of us in our noodle chairs just floating and chatting. It's the best.

I've accomplished something

OK so yesterday I had a kick ass day and completed two pendants that I have been working on. Well maybe "working on" isn't exactly accurate, more like agonizing over. Sometimes I find a piece of sea-pottery that just calls to me and then I have to decide what to do with it, usually it sits in my "special" tray and I look at it, stare at it and wait for something to inspire me. Well yesterday it came to me. The first piece is for someone very special and someone very special to her commissioned it. I will be making a coordinating piece for "him" as well. I am very excited to send him a picture of it, hope he approves and likes it. If not it's alright because frankly I love it and would really like to keep it for myself, Muwahahhaha

The second piece I call "Old Souls" the sea-pottery is very old, well over 100yrs and I love love love the colors, the haggard used look of it and the pattern, the small wheel to me represents the idea of a second chance, always a new day, a circle of time.

Both pieces are done with Sterling Silver. Actually not my favorite metal because it tarnishes. With a bit of care it stays shiny and brand new looking.

I threw these shots in because I think it's difficult to judge the scale unless you see it on a body. Most artisans will provide the dimensions of a piece but I can never wrap my mind around it unless I actually see it on a body.

I want a new drug, I got one.

Alright now that I dicked around with the font for ten minutes and still haven't got the one I wanted I have a couple of things to get down here in my ever faithful blog.
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So yeah the title is "I want a new drug" for all of you whipper snappers it's the title of a "Huey Lewis and The News" song. Yikes Huey Lewis what a name. Ah the 80's so good and so bad, but I digress.
(surprise)

Well I have been having a hard time pulling myself together for the last couple of months. Yes I have good minutes, hours but rarely whole days and it is frustrating to me because I feel like it holds me down. It's alot more than being able to get and keep my shit together. It's the constant banter in my mind that is the most difficult to deal with. A constant barrage of intrusive thoughts, mostly negative in one way or another and always focused on me and my perceived shortcomings.
I was going to try and list some of the stuff racing in my head but when I started to listen to the shit it got so loud and frenzied that I couldn't pull things apart. Everything jumbled together in one big spinning mass of fragments. So forget it.

The point was that I really was beginning to resent my own mind and I wanted to be free from it for just a bit, just a little break, just a little quiet. Now there are many drugs that will do that for me but most are eventually counter productive. Short term fantastic but no good for everyday life. I can't go around ripping rails or tweaked all of the time. I suppose I could but I've been there, not only is it expensive but dangerous and not the example I want to set either.

I already feel guilty that I have to be on meds to begin with. I feel like I am sending the message that there is always a pill for every occasion. Well anyhoo I finally went to see my pharmacologist (who I hate, not really her but what she represents to me) and we started a new med. Ugh I hate mood stabilizers, I feel like they are for the weakest of the weak and the most cuckoo. Shame on me for being a mental illness snob.
I've been on them in the past, I stopped my previous one in January after determining I was cured. After-all now that Shawn has his new lungs I should be better too, right.


O.K. so here's the gig. I am determined. This morning I got up, took my meds and took my dog for a walk (I bought a designated walking outfit yesterday because 'what to wear' is a huge roadblock for me). It's 2 p.m. I have not eaten yet but I will.


Rambling I know but sometimes these posts are just my thinking out loud and not nessesarily with an audience in mind.


It's raining, blah