Monday, August 17, 2009

A me post

Well after reading some of my fellow bloggers blogs I feel like I have been slacking.

To cut myself some slack I'll say that I believe part of the problem is that I try to incorporate too many facets of my life into one blog. Is that possible? I don't know.

I get so wrapped up in my husband that I forget that sometimes it's o.k. for me to be about me.
I forget that I am a separate person. I am more than his nurse, his wife, his laundress, his cook, his lover. I am me too.

One of my fellow bloggers and fellow wife to a CF'er has two blogs. One for her CF life and one for her. I really understand why now.

So although I'm not ready to start yet another blog I'll settle for trying to balance it out.

Today it's about me.

I have been making a VERY conscious EFFORT to be more about me but I have to tell you it's fucking hard.
It's hard. Harder than you can imagine.
My head is not always kind to me, it has been my enemy as much as it has been my friend but the distraction of him also let me blame it on him.

I fell apart because of him. I fragmented into a million tiny pieces because of him. I lost myself because of him. I am the way I am because of him. Right? After-all the stress of having a constantly dying partner is enough to drive anyone crazy.

But for me it's just not true. Yes, yes, yes having that stress maybe exacerbated my own illness but my illness is my own.

Now that I think about it I really held it together pretty well all things considered. We both did.

Funny how entangled our beings became for me. He's well now but I am still struggling in my mind.
I don't spend my days crying like I used to when he was sick sick sick but I see now that my mind is still going to try and make me feel like shit and I am fighting it everyday.

I am doing things on my own and it makes me feel so proud of myself. I have spent my life afraid of so much. Afraid of being unwanted, unloved, afraid of being stolen, killed, lost. Afraid of nothing and everything all at once. Man how unkind my mind has been to me.

But how wonderful it has been as well. Two minds. Weird I never really looked at it like that but that's it. Two minds. Two minds. Hmm I think I've had an epiphany of sorts. yuck what does that mean two minds? I don't know and right this second I am choosing to tell my crappy mind to shut the fuck up. Oh it's on, man is it ever. I'm going upstairs and I am going to kick my crazy minds ass. I am going to sit at my beautiful desk, look out the window at my beautiful view, and let my creative juices flow. I am going to create something beautiful. I am going to do it without the input from my crappy mind. Here goes nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kim said...

You go, Tina! I'm so impressed at what you constantly overcome. You totally deserve to be very proud of yourself for your independence lately - it's not an easy thing to fight your own mind. Congratulations on being the very best you that you can be! You really do rock, sista. Have fun creating! xo, Kim

Kellee said...

Go good mind Go!


Amy said...

With a view like that I would always sit up there and yell at my crazy mind :)

Here's to two crazy ladies with creative minds ;)

Katey said...

As Kelle said: Go good mind go!!

I came across your blog through Amy's!! I look forward to keeping in touch and reading your blog!! I hope it was ok that I added your blog to my blog helps me remember better to read or check for updates!!

Oh..and I'm a CFer, transplanter, and in nursing school!