He's changed ..........* edited a couple of hours later

I feel like Shawn and I are growing apart. There I've said it. I hate it, it breaks my heart but he's changed. I keep thinking it's an adjustment to him not "needing" me anymore but it's more than that. I'm not number one in Shawn's life anymore and neither is Sara. Shawn is number one.
When push comes to shove his happiness is what matters to him. I think he loves me but not the way he used to.
Now Shawn is pursuing his own life. He doesn't agree with me. He thinks it's not true and that Sara and I are just being overly sensitive. I am basing my feelings on what he does not what he says.

Watching Shawn be able to breathe again has been the most wonderful gift in the world. Shawn being able to be a regular guy in so many ways makes me happier than you could ever know. I love that he can DO everything now, shoot the shit, play ball, ride his bike, go on outings with his buddies, talk shop or whatever the hell they talk about but ugh.

I tell people that we have done more this summer than we have done in years and it is totally true, we are making up for stolen time. Unfortunately Shawn is also trying to cram years worth of missed out guy stuff into months. I have been totally supportive in him going out with the guys but he's gone overboard. At every opportunity he takes off on his bike to go for rides, he spent the day in Laconia during bike week, he goes to more fucking car shows with the guys than I ever knew existed, he hangs out at his buddies shop everyday. He tells me he's working on his truck and I know he does do work on it. He's been able to do alot of repair work to his truck there that would have cost us a fortune if he had to send it out. I also know that alot of the time he spends down there is just getting away from us.

Everything sort of came to a head over the weekend. Friday afternoon he called to tell me he was at the shop working on his truck which was fine. I don't call him or nag him. He came home 5 hrs later hammered. Apparently someone who runs a "casino night" outfit brought over a poker table, chips, cards etc along with two beer balls (whatever the hell that is). I was a upset that he had been gone, I was upset that he never called to say "Look, the guys are playing some cards, it's Friday night do you mind if I hang out?" That's all I needed. I would have felt like he took me into consideration, I would have without a doubt said yes. But he didn't as far as I knew he was "working on the truck". Sat morning he took off to a car show with his friend, D. Sara and I went out for breakfast, then we picked up D's daughter and I dropped them both off at a birthday party. Mind you if I had not offered to take his dgtr to the party he would not have been able to go to the car show. So even though I was pissed about Friday night I still wanted him to go. I didn't want to hold him back. He went. We had a clambake to go to at 6. The guys were running late. D agreed to pick up the girls and the drop them off here to hang out. Which he did. Probably more to get Shawn out of any hot water than to do me a favor. We went to the clambake, didn't really hang out together, went our seperate ways mingling. Which I didn't mind. I don't need him to hold my hand, I felt good, I knew a lot of the people there so it was not a problem. At some point he mentioned that there was yet another car show he wanted to go to with D but it was Sunday morning. He said they would be going early and that it would not be a problem. (Mind you this was a show that I had looked up on the net months ago but at that time he blew it off) Then we came home to a block party. Again we sort of did our own thing but it was fine, everyone had a good time even though the cops were there five times for noise issues. There was a live band.
I chatted with everyone, had God only knows how many Margaritas and Shawn put me to bed at the end of the night. It was a good night.

Sunday was my Nana's 88th birthday we were supposed to drive up to NH to celebrate and be there by 2. Shawn woke up and said he was going to the show with D, now this was at maybe 9ish. I said I didn't think he would have enough time, he said he did and promised to be home by 12 so we could leave for NH by 1. Well at 12 he called Sara Lou to tell her he was on his way home. I waited until 1:30 and left for NH.

He said they got there late and he wanted to walk through and see everything and then they ran into a couple of guys and got to chatting. He says he left the show at 12:30 but ran into traffic on the way home.

Not that he had lost track of time. He just didn't give a fuck. He was enjoying himself and that was that. Fuck you Tina


*edit* Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am wrong. Regardless of whether I am right or wrong I love him. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I don't want this to get out of hand. I want to find the balance and I'm hoping that Shawn does too. I'm hurt, I'm confused and most of all right now I'm tired. I know when I am tired I don't think as clearly as I should so I'm going off to bed.

On a happy note I called my pharm and asked her to call me in some Ativan. I'm smoking butts secretly and it's gross and stinky, and bad for me, not to mention expensive. Thankfully this morning I will pick up my script. Well I'm thinking my husband will be waiting in the Walgreens parking lot for the doors to open. Ugh


P.S. I am aware that I am sending Shawn mixed messages and I'm hoping we can work this out. God I love that man.

P.P.S. I REALLY think that this sort of shift in the realtionship should be addressed or at least mentioned in the pre-transplant support groups. WTF I have been blindsided by it.

New Tires

Ugh Shaw has this thing about new tires.
Every truck he has always desperately needs new tires. I don't think they really need new tires I think he just likes new tires.
A month ago he was going on and on about how the Jeep desperately needed new tires and he couldn't buy three new tires to match the never used spare tire on the back, he wanted to buy four new tires and would then need to buy a fifth tire for a spare since the new ones were going to be bigger than the originals for some reason. So he was very busy on-line looking up tires and of course new wheels because the new tires would be too big for the old wheels. Mind you this Jeep is a real beat up truck, putting fancy tires and rims would be like putting a silk hat on a pig.

Well now he has a new truck. A big Dodge Ram. He got it from a friend of his, some deal was made (he didn't pay for it)I'm not sure of the details but he's thrilled because losing his pick-up and having to drive around in the Jeep was a big blow to his manhood or pride or whatever.

He said it needed some work on the exhaust and something in the front end. He had the exhaust fixed and then I thought he was dropping it off today to have the clunking in the front end fixed.
This afternoon we go to pick it up, he comes out to tell me I can go that he's all set, I asked him if they fixed it and he says yes....it needed new tires! He fucking kills me. New tires! My stupid Jeep barely stops I drive with my tippy toe, the starter grinds, you get dripped on when it rains, and the muffler is swinging and he needed new tires.

Him and his frigging new tires. So I'm a little aggravated.

I asked him what happened to my Jeep desperately needing new tires....he says that he mostly just wanted new tires to make it look better. That is a perfect example of the sneaky Shawn. Fucker.


Oh well I guess it's not a huge deal, but aggravating none-the-less.

Out of sorts

Just out of sorts. I can't put my finger on it but it drives me nuts.

I feel tired and unfocused.
I have to remember to talk myself out of these moods. It works pretty well although I will catch myself sliding back into the gray and have to fight it off.

I feel lost.

I recently signed up for facebook after much nagging from a friend of mine. It's alot of fun catching up with people who I haven't run across in years. Shawn has a facebook too so it's fun for us both, sometimes he hijacks mine and writes ridiculous things and vice versa.

Anyway the thing is that Shawn had ALOT of female friends as a child and they are coming out of the woodwork. Then there is the girlfriends of those girls and they all seem to think Shawn is a celebrity or something.
I really had no problem with it except some of them are a little too agressive in my opinion. They send messages through his inbox, asking more personal information and I think it's crossing the line.

A few weeks ago when Shawn went in for his first touch up, while I was waiting for him to come out of surgery his cell rings, it's this girl he grew up with..she said she hadn't heard from him and was worried, she knew he was having the bronch the day before. She had even called his fucking grandmother to find out what was up.
He had given her his number, which I knew and was irritated about to begin with. Believe me this girl is no threat to me on a physical level, she is not anything Shawn would think was attractive but it's the fucking ego stroking that I'm pissed about.
Oh poor Shawn, Oh you've been through so much...Oh blah blah blah...Which that is fine he can't control what they say but don't continue the conversation don't feed it.
He will have three or four of these conversations going on at once it's ridiculous.

Am I just and insecure twit, threatened by the fact that he is healthy and doesn't "need" me anymore?

I try and gauge my reaction by saying what's good for the goose is good for the gander, would it be alright for me to entertain old "male" friends of mine? Of course guys don't blather on incessantly like women do but anyway.

So now I have this crappy ugly feeling in me. I'm not young enough, thin enough, pretty enough, and on and on.