so here I am once again....Now it's July of 2017.
I'm remarried. No longer a widow. I honestly don't know what the hell I am doing.
I forgot about this blog....for years I wrote in paper journals....last summer I stopped. I'm not sure why...
Where do I jump in, do I try to pick up where I left off? I can't. Too much time, too many hard memories, too much pain. Reminding me of what I had, what I lost, what i tried to find again.....but didn't.
Does that sound harsh? It's not meant to. It is reality.
I'm married. I married a man that I truly love. I believe he loves me. I have to believe it because he doesn't show it, at least not in the ways I would recognize.
Shawn's sister introduced us.
I feel like I could just walk away.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Friday, March 27, 2015
Niagra, The TA, and meltdowns
This was written in 2009...found in drafts.
(Clearly I have not yet mastered putting F'ing photos on my blog)
Anyhoo we made the trip to Buffalo to see our friends from Florida and to pick up the Trans Am.
We had a really good time. I had two "episodes" one was pretty mild and fleeting and one was hard fucking core.
The ride to Buffalo is 10 fricken hours. Which isn't superlong and frankly is really a nice ride in the proper vehicle but 10 hrs crammed into the cab of the Dodge is a bit much. Shawn drove of course because he had the 4-wheelers on a car trailer and he doesn't trust me to handle it, HA! Really I don't care I'm very content to be just a passenger these days. Sara Lou is creeping up on 5' 6" and I'm 5 ft. So guess who gets to sit in the middle? Yup, me. Shawn is very good about stopping whenever I want so with the breaks it wasn't so bad.
We stayed in our favorite cheesy No-tell Motel, hee hee. The Blue Bird Motel. It's like $40 a night for a double, very clean, quiet and convenient to everything. It's just outdated. Like by 40 yrs! Gorgeous avacado green bathroom. I like it.
Our friends were up in Buffalo for a family wedding. The whole family is wonderful. One of the very few friends we have that we are actually pretty close with ALL of them. Parents, Grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins the whole gaggle. They are just really nice unpretentious people.
Mac's wife Kim and I went to see the Body Works exhibit, unbelievable!!!! If you haven't been and you are not squeemish it's a must. I wish it had been around when I was in nursing school. Man it was incredible and I think gives you an even greater appreciation for the intricacy of the human body and the miracle of life itself.
We all went to Niagra Falls, American side. We did the whole shabang and had a great day.
(Clearly I have not yet mastered putting F'ing photos on my blog)
Anyhoo we made the trip to Buffalo to see our friends from Florida and to pick up the Trans Am.
We had a really good time. I had two "episodes" one was pretty mild and fleeting and one was hard fucking core.
The ride to Buffalo is 10 fricken hours. Which isn't superlong and frankly is really a nice ride in the proper vehicle but 10 hrs crammed into the cab of the Dodge is a bit much. Shawn drove of course because he had the 4-wheelers on a car trailer and he doesn't trust me to handle it, HA! Really I don't care I'm very content to be just a passenger these days. Sara Lou is creeping up on 5' 6" and I'm 5 ft. So guess who gets to sit in the middle? Yup, me. Shawn is very good about stopping whenever I want so with the breaks it wasn't so bad.
We stayed in our favorite cheesy No-tell Motel, hee hee. The Blue Bird Motel. It's like $40 a night for a double, very clean, quiet and convenient to everything. It's just outdated. Like by 40 yrs! Gorgeous avacado green bathroom. I like it.
Our friends were up in Buffalo for a family wedding. The whole family is wonderful. One of the very few friends we have that we are actually pretty close with ALL of them. Parents, Grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins the whole gaggle. They are just really nice unpretentious people.
Mac's wife Kim and I went to see the Body Works exhibit, unbelievable!!!! If you haven't been and you are not squeemish it's a must. I wish it had been around when I was in nursing school. Man it was incredible and I think gives you an even greater appreciation for the intricacy of the human body and the miracle of life itself.
We all went to Niagra Falls, American side. We did the whole shabang and had a great day.
death and life
I don't even know where to begin. Two years to the day after my last post my husband Shawn died. Died. Seems ridiculousous to say even still.
I used to love writing in this blog. Then life became more and more complicated and it seemed to me that when I wrote it down, it became real. I didn't want anyone, even people who would never know me, to feel badly. I started keeping paper journals. I hid them. This is my life. All of it.
So now I will try to play catch up. Two years leading up to his death, the end, the fall-out, and pulling myself from the ashes.
Life is still beautiful, I am grateful for all of it.
Let me collect my thoughts.
I used to love writing in this blog. Then life became more and more complicated and it seemed to me that when I wrote it down, it became real. I didn't want anyone, even people who would never know me, to feel badly. I started keeping paper journals. I hid them. This is my life. All of it.
So now I will try to play catch up. Two years leading up to his death, the end, the fall-out, and pulling myself from the ashes.
Life is still beautiful, I am grateful for all of it.
Let me collect my thoughts.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tired
So tired of being tired. So tired of dragging myself through my days. I feel muted. I feel buried. It is a constant daily struggle to pull myself out my head enough to function, to complete the bare minimum.
Well Shawn just came home for a minute and that's all it takes. I told him how I was feeling and he instantly soothed me. Pointed out some obvious things, 1) I am clinically depressed, diagnosed bi-polar and have been non-medicated for over a year. 2) We have significant stressors in our lives 3) I have PMS.
He told me that he felt I was doing fine, that I am harder on myself than I should be, and that he supports any decision that I make regarding medication but that I have to be willing to accept myself and all of my ups and downs, my cycles. He fully accepts them as part of who I am and as long as I am not going dangerously low he tries to be gentle with me and patiently waits for me to pull out of it. He knows the good days follow the bad ones.
He wants me to invest more in myself, he wants me to return to the gym for the classes that I loved and felt great after attending. He believes that committing to myself, getting on a schedule and spending time with friends in a healthy way will help. He's right.
He also gave me $50 to buy myself a sweater for a day trip I am going on with a dear friend later this week. A friend who I feel like I let down a lot. Because I can't get out of my own way most days. Although I have noticed that if I actually make the plans I do follow through. (Note to self~ get a personal calender and fill it with lunches, coffee, tea, walks, shopping trips, etc)
*I know $50 doesn't seem like a lot to most but for me to spend $50 on myself on a sweater that I actually need makes me feel weird. I hate shopping I hate trying things on. But this time, despite my anxiety I have to buy something because I have nothing left for clothes.
He left me money for groceries and the sweetest kiss.
Oi
Well Shawn just came home for a minute and that's all it takes. I told him how I was feeling and he instantly soothed me. Pointed out some obvious things, 1) I am clinically depressed, diagnosed bi-polar and have been non-medicated for over a year. 2) We have significant stressors in our lives 3) I have PMS.
He told me that he felt I was doing fine, that I am harder on myself than I should be, and that he supports any decision that I make regarding medication but that I have to be willing to accept myself and all of my ups and downs, my cycles. He fully accepts them as part of who I am and as long as I am not going dangerously low he tries to be gentle with me and patiently waits for me to pull out of it. He knows the good days follow the bad ones.
He wants me to invest more in myself, he wants me to return to the gym for the classes that I loved and felt great after attending. He believes that committing to myself, getting on a schedule and spending time with friends in a healthy way will help. He's right.
He also gave me $50 to buy myself a sweater for a day trip I am going on with a dear friend later this week. A friend who I feel like I let down a lot. Because I can't get out of my own way most days. Although I have noticed that if I actually make the plans I do follow through. (Note to self~ get a personal calender and fill it with lunches, coffee, tea, walks, shopping trips, etc)
*I know $50 doesn't seem like a lot to most but for me to spend $50 on myself on a sweater that I actually need makes me feel weird. I hate shopping I hate trying things on. But this time, despite my anxiety I have to buy something because I have nothing left for clothes.
He left me money for groceries and the sweetest kiss.
Oi
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Happy Independence Day !
So I haven't posted in a couple of months. Let's see Shawn only had 4 photophoresis treatments due to a glitch in insurance and at first this was a maddening turn of events but things have turned out quite nicely.
Shawn's FEV1% has continued to improve with only the Azithromycin, he hovered in the 40's for over a year and now BAM, 50 and last checked he was at 55%. He feels great and looks even better.
We just returned from Hawaii. How amazing and grateful I was everyday looking over at him and realizing how lucky I am. How blessed we are. How close I have been to losing him and how happy I am to have him in my life.
He drives me crazy nearly everyday but that's Shawn and I love him.
Shawn's FEV1% has continued to improve with only the Azithromycin, he hovered in the 40's for over a year and now BAM, 50 and last checked he was at 55%. He feels great and looks even better.
We just returned from Hawaii. How amazing and grateful I was everyday looking over at him and realizing how lucky I am. How blessed we are. How close I have been to losing him and how happy I am to have him in my life.
He drives me crazy nearly everyday but that's Shawn and I love him.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Drifting
Yup, drifting. Still searching for my purpose in this life. Not to say I am not finding joy in living because I am but I want to be fully engaged and I am having a hard time making it to that point. My mind is still my biggest obstacle. Some days are certainly better than others but man I want clarity. I want to live everyday, I want to make an impact and I feel like I am struggling. Swimming upstream.
So Shawn. Let's see there is so much going on with him, so much that I don't fully understand and so much that I have to learn about. I have questions and lots of them.
The treatment he has started, two weeks ago, he has had four sessions of photophoresis seems to be working! Shawn feels like it is, he said he feels more open, that he can breathe deeper and easier. Now this week he has not been scheduled for treatment and I'm not sure what is going on. So I've made some calls, left messages waiting to hear back. Don't drop the ball here, this is my husband's life you're dicking around with. I'll be aggressive as I have to be.
Then there is his pathology reports, which I have obtained a copy of. Some interesting and disturbing findings. Things that again I don't fully understand but I need answers. I'm not a surgeon, a pathologist, an expert of any kind but I am a wife and I need help. So I am hoping that my faith in our team is not misplaced. Oh Lord help them if it is.
Some positive things......This weekend we were blessed and honored to celebrate the life of Paul.
Paul was an amazing person, I just wish I had known him in his hey-day! Paying our respects to his wonderful family and his friends who traveled to Boston from all over the country was an experience I'll not soon forget. Having so many CF'ers in one place was surreal and an inspiration. So funny because Paul would have forbid it! I remember telling him one night that we were going to meet a CF'er, a mutual friend that I had met on-line in person and he wasn't too happy about it. I told him we'd be outside, by the ocean having ice-cream so surely that would be safe and he said "What matters is which way the wind is blowing" Ughhhh! I loved Paul. When Shawn was so very sick he was there for me, to talk me down, to reassure me and I'll forever be grateful for his words and kindness. In one of our last e-mails we were talking about rejection and he said "It's the dicking around that'll kill you" so off I go to kick some ass because the dicking around is not going to get my Baby! Thanks Paul
So Shawn. Let's see there is so much going on with him, so much that I don't fully understand and so much that I have to learn about. I have questions and lots of them.
The treatment he has started, two weeks ago, he has had four sessions of photophoresis seems to be working! Shawn feels like it is, he said he feels more open, that he can breathe deeper and easier. Now this week he has not been scheduled for treatment and I'm not sure what is going on. So I've made some calls, left messages waiting to hear back. Don't drop the ball here, this is my husband's life you're dicking around with. I'll be aggressive as I have to be.
Then there is his pathology reports, which I have obtained a copy of. Some interesting and disturbing findings. Things that again I don't fully understand but I need answers. I'm not a surgeon, a pathologist, an expert of any kind but I am a wife and I need help. So I am hoping that my faith in our team is not misplaced. Oh Lord help them if it is.
Some positive things......This weekend we were blessed and honored to celebrate the life of Paul.
Paul was an amazing person, I just wish I had known him in his hey-day! Paying our respects to his wonderful family and his friends who traveled to Boston from all over the country was an experience I'll not soon forget. Having so many CF'ers in one place was surreal and an inspiration. So funny because Paul would have forbid it! I remember telling him one night that we were going to meet a CF'er, a mutual friend that I had met on-line in person and he wasn't too happy about it. I told him we'd be outside, by the ocean having ice-cream so surely that would be safe and he said "What matters is which way the wind is blowing" Ughhhh! I loved Paul. When Shawn was so very sick he was there for me, to talk me down, to reassure me and I'll forever be grateful for his words and kindness. In one of our last e-mails we were talking about rejection and he said "It's the dicking around that'll kill you" so off I go to kick some ass because the dicking around is not going to get my Baby! Thanks Paul
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
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