So today I hate being broke. We were invited to go out for dinner tonight with family, I love being with them, they are a lot of fun so I've been looking forward to it. Well Wednesday the exhaust falls off the jeep, we got it fixed yesterday..$190.00 there goes our "extra" money and then some.
So I don't want to go for dinner. My husband is pissed, he wants to go "They are treating us, Tina" but I don't want to go because I hate to go without money in my pocket.
I feel like shit.
Plus earlier Shawn kept asking me about when he can travel, crowds etc. Well he's been at all the same fucking meetings as I have, he has the same transplant notebooks etc...he knows because they have told us a million times, "when your prednisone is down to 20 mg". So I keep saying to him why are you going crazy looking for this info, you know it's 20mg, what brought this on? "Nothing, Nothing, I just want to know, are you sure it's 20mg?" and on and on. I know my husband I know that on a regular day to day basis he doesn't give a shit to pay attention to or to know the particulars so WHY THE SUDDEN INTESREST? So I ask him, what's going on, why all of the sudden, what are you thinking about? "Nothing, nothing, I just want to know."
Even though he does know it's 20mg, he wants the paper that says it.
Finally I'm fucking aggravated because now I'm digging through transplant material to find the exact information and can't seem to find it even though I've seen it and heard it a million times.
I get pissed because I know he is full of shit, I know that he has something on his mind, that he's planning something and I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve me, but he won't give it up.
I get pissed, tell him I'm done looking and go upstairs to be pissed by myself because I know he is hiding something.
Then he comes upstairs and tells me that his buddy wants to take him to Florida or some shit, I don't know and it doesn't even matter, but WHY THE FUCK WOULDN"T YOU JUST SAY THAT TO BEGIN WITH!
He knows that it would be fine with me, why the fucking game? Why let my mind spin? Why "hide" something, deny you're hiding something and piss me off? And I'm the bitch here.
So for right now I'm pissed that he has that "character flaw" shall we call it, he's sneaky. I hate a sneak. I hate the feeling that someone is trying to pull something over on me. I hate being the dummy, don't fucking tell me there is NOTHING that you are hiding when THERE IS.
Don't make me doubt myself, my instincts! I hate that. With Shawn it's always something little, something totally insignificant but yet he insists on doing it.
I don't get it.
My ex-husband would look me in the face and lie, and make me feel like an asshole for doubting him, I was the crazy one. I was right, I knew it, he was lying to my face I knew it but he would say I was wrong. I hated it. Of course he was lying about being out banging some whore, or snorting up his paycheck, big stuff but to me it doesn't matter, big, little it's still telling me that I am wrong, making me not believe myself.
So why does Shawn do that? Why does he lie about stupid things, things that wouldn't matter anyway. Why lie about it? Why lie? Why make me have all of those horrible feelings, why let all of that come back and smack me in the face,"Tina you fool."
I don't get it. I feel horrible right now. I hate not being able to trust myself. Why plant that seed of doubt in my head. Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished?
I don't get it.
Rest in Peace Aunt Marybeth
1 year ago